{ dirah } · xviii · ♈

To most people, I am a walking megalith of boredom and lameness, but when it comes to the right people, they can never get enough of me. I have a strong intimacy of writing and mobile-photography.

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Written on Monday, 10 March 2014

Compared to other teenagers, I really haven't had a long term relationship. I am not really passionate about 'love'. I cannot even get the real definition of love. Most importantly, the word itself can be defined and expressed in various way.

Back to what I am saying, I never had a long term relationship. Being in that place is too risky for me. I know it would not results me any harm to have a relationship with anyone, but to seek pleasure and joy of lives is not always have to put myself into risky circumstances. Relationship, for instance. I had been into that position, and I have already saw how terrifying love is; when our chemistry bonding is covalent. We share, we gain, we lose, but a slight distance cause us to get our separate ways.

As long as I can remember, I have never been afraid to being hurt as I always believe to every scenarios that occur in the movie. It is comical how I put myself there and act like ones who has been possessed by the movie.

Real life is completely not an objection for you to have, I might add.
Hence, I have put my guard and focused on things that would not (or never) cause me any pain.

Hence, I recently had a friend, a guy. He is quite a freshman. Undoubtedly kind and understanding. Fate has been written for us to be 'friends' and intimately close. I have known him in the past year. We had a closely awkward conversation, and that was of course lead us to so many things. Initially, I was not so keen to be his friend. At one main point, we had this constant conversation on BlackBerry Messenger and we have talked about our lives, our background. Reaching to that stage, I once again attempt to put myself into that risky position and retry to distinguish the fact. I put my expectation high off of the boundary. He rejected me with few of kind words that made me realize. He made me realize we are anonymous in real life. We have never met. We are only friends in the social network, but not facing each other in person. One day, we made a deal to meet personally. He insisted. I was delighted for the opportunity to met him after quite a long period we stay friend on social network. Our impressions are literally awkward. He glance a smile at me, and frankly, I can't help myself until I have to make myself a stupid confession. However, the day is quite prolonged for us to have such a great time knowing each other in person. I lost count how many times I have fallen myself for the wrong person, but not this time.

Written on Tuesday, 24 December 2013

It is our wounds that create in us a desire to reach for miracles. Yes, I do understand why things had to happen this way. I understand his reason for causing me horrendous pain. But, mere understand never chase away the hurt.

It does not call upon the sun when dark sky have loomed over me.
The rain must come and wash away the dust that hurt my eyes.

I had hurt so much for this day. I am broke and I thought I have limited it. The fact that I don't want him to see me desperate over for him caused him to get the path away from me. We hurt so much because we have lost a part of ourselves. If we have loved much, we must have given much also and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything. But, that's wrong. Now, everybody knows that I'm just a bum without you by my side.

You don't care, you're so unaware. I'm left to deal with pain, constant helpless cry to sleep.

I live precariously through my characters. So, I want to be loved passionately, live vibrantly, love unconditionally. Be someone he would die for - explore unimaginable possibilities from all warps of life. And, to never forget those that held their hands when life got scary. Wiped my tears away after a broken heart. Helped him back on his feet when others let him down. I want my characters to have family, friends and a lover.

New flash. Everything is not the way we used to be anymore. Everything is gone now. Yes, everything. Except the colours that cover the black and white of me. I was too late to show that my feeling is honest and I love him, still.

My feelings never gone, forever.

He has had enough of me that caused him pain which the pain I feel right now. I can't speak. Blunt.